So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
