how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
