How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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