Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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