Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
