you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My dad just said "fuck circus"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
