Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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