hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
where are you?
Hypothermia
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
