I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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