I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
