shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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