her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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