Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
