Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
