i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
