I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
