My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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