Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
