one two three fourrrrnication!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
