i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize