3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
