well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize