I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
