If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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