omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
