oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
