But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
