My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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