my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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