he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
