Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
