4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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