Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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