I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We named our party play list daddy issues
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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