sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
