I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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