If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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