also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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