she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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