Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
