Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
