If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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