so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
