I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
