just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
