Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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