last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
