All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize