I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize