True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
