i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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