We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
