shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize