Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I touched a dick in church today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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