He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize