It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
