A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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