hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
