My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We don't watch enough power rangers
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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