So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
