And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
